Dear God,

There is much that I am uncertain about.

This interpretation, that interpretation…

And if I don’t feel a conviction to do this, does that mean that I am not actually called to do it,

Or

Does it just mean that I should grow some spiritual muscle and develop a conviction for it

?

 

 

Also,

Is it always holier to do the more uncomfortable thing

?

 

I don’t know how to pray, God.

How can I pray, when it only reveals how very little of you I understand?

I imagine that you must be

So

Much

More

Than just a perfect superhuman.

But

What

?

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And what do I do if I realize that my motive for knowing you more

Is so that I will appear and feel more

Wise?

(I hate when my motives get all twisted like this.

Forgive me.)

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I know that learning to know you is a journey-

An adventure!

I will not navigate it perfectly.

I know that there are mountain-tops along the way

With much clarity.

I also know that there is…

Muck.

 

Speaking of muck…

 

I confess that when I hear the words child-like faith

Something inside me splinters

And not in a good way.

 

I have slid into a pit of

“Earning my faith”

By being skeptical about this and about that.

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We talk about owning our faith and how good it is to question and search.

But nobody tells you

What to do

When you are just…

Lost.

 

When the answers to your questions sometimes involve that child-like faith and you just

Can’t

Quite

Regain it.

 

There is much that I am uncertain about.

 

But also…

 

The daffodils in the flowerbed outside our door just keep blooming and blooming, through cold and through gray.

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IMG_3432

 

In The Horse and His Boy, Aslan was all the lions.

 

There are certain things that I hesitate to pray for because I’m afraid you’ll send me what I ask for.

 

“… in You we live and move and have our being.”

 

Some days, the sun shines in a warm way and the grass is green beneath me.

 

Perhaps, right now, many small pieces of you are more necessary for me than one giant understanding. And maybe I don’t even need to worry about putting all those pieces together.

 

Maybe I will just watch for the beautiful pieces and name you as I see you.

 

I’ll be watching, God. I’ll be watching.

 

Amen.

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Question: What are you certain or uncertain about these days? Hearing either is encouraging. 

9 thoughts on “A Long Prayer

  1. I am listening to The Knowledge of the Holy by A.W. Tozer right now. It’s helping to increase my awareness of the very bigness of God and the very smallness of me. God bless you in the journey!

  2. Dear Jasmine, all of this feels so very very familiar. And for now, I would just like to say, I am uncertain about Much also.

    Sent from my iPhone

    >

  3. These questions resounded in me. You’ve expressed them so clearly. They’re questions I’m often too proud to try to put into words… i often wonder, since it’s been so long since I was on the mountaintop, is my faith even real anymore? Right now I’m studying “Inside Out” by Dr Larry Crabb and it hasn’t fixed me. I’m still broken. But it’s telling me that that’s good and ok and that I can love better from that place of brokenness than I can from put-togetherness. Thanks for writing!

  4. I am certain that your writing is beautiful and that it strikes a chord in me. I am always uncertain about a number of things. What changes for me is their importance. Right now, I am thinking a lot about my uncertainty in the thing we call “witnessing”.

  5. Jasmine, today, I am uncertain about who I will be when I go home. I am uncertain how to support imperfect people. I uncertain how to confess my own imperfections without wallowing in shame.

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