Confession: I don’t think that I should be doing “Blog twice a week October”. I thought that it was going to be a good thing for me- a chance to relax. The way it was last year. But instead, it scares me. Because when it’s time to blog, I sit down at my desk with my laptop and tea and I feel plain old empty. Expressionless like I have never felt before. I thought that a full life would result in having lots of things to share- that all this learning and processing would result in inspiration and wisdom. But instead, I just feel tired. The blankness inside worries me.
To be completely honest, I’m afraid to share what I really feel these days. I’m ashamed of the things that I feel and the way that I handle them and I don’t have solutions to them.
I could make a list of things that I am ashamed of.
I won’t though.
I have been exploring my thoughts on prayer further. I shared some baby thoughts in one of my earlier posts- the one about different ways that I approach God.
One that I didn’t discuss there was eye contact. Eye contact with God.
Where I stand and I look at Him right in the face.
It feels bold and almost like I am challenging Him with my this is wrong and I can’t do this and I don’t want to do this. But it is better than the embarrassed hiding that I have resorted to in the past.
I am finding that it is necessary these days- to look right at Him (at my visualization of Him) and feel all of the questions that I have. No words are necessary there.
We just look at each other.
I can’t even describe the feeling.
It’s what makes me feel strong and grounded again. Like whatever happens around us, God’s eyes hold me in a still and protected place.
It’s what reminds me that He suffered more rejection, disregard, and stress than I ever will.
It’s what reminds me that He understands.
It’s His eyes that remind me that I don’t need to understand, because He does. I just need to keep going.
I always look away before He does.
We cry at the same time though.
Then I am red-faced and messy and teary, but He is still beautiful.
It is communion in a new way.