Do you ever wonder if this is who you were meant to be? Who God intended for you to be? Or are you just a result of yourself and your sinful, selfish, lazy tendencies?
Do you ever feel like a jerk?
I feel like I have been a jerk. And it’s not that I’m trying to be that way. It’s just that something inside of me feels so closed off, and I haven’t figured out how to pry it back for open.
Psh. I say things like, “Even when it feels wrong, it is right, because God is saving the best for later.” And then there was, “See the Lord always before you. God is near. Be strong. Don’t give up. Hope unashamedly and illogically and completely and in every circumstance. You are safe.”
Psh. That was a good one, Jasmine. Very convincing.
Today (not actually today, because I am writing this not on today. I am writing this on Tuesday), I am here to say this: “I am not who I am meant to be. I am not even sure if I am becoming who I am meant to be. I cannot figure out how to be with people and relate to them normally and I have no clue how to participate in even a casual conversation or share my thoughts or ideas because somewhere deep inside of me, I am utterly convinced that my thoughts and ideas will never be right or even make sense to anyone else.”
Something else that I am saying today (but still not today, because- well, you know…), “I have been fooling myself. Surviving- managing- is not the same as hoping.”
I need to remind myself of hope and contentment and what they are and how they feel and what they look like when I make them real.
I feel like I’m feeling lots of things. I feel like one of the parts of me that makes me feel the most like myself is very far away. I feel like I am afraid of never really finding my place. I’m afraid of never being as intelligent as I would like to be. Wouldn’t that be awful? To be smart enough to know that you should be smarter, but don’t have the mental capacity to be smarter?
This is where I stopped writing on Tuesday, and began writing on Thursday. I feel that it is only fair to warn you that there is quite a drastic shift in tone and attitude here.
There is a verse.
Psalm 119:32- I will run in the way of your commandments, for you set my heart free.
A free heart.
A free heart is what you feel the beginnings of after you kneel on your hard bedroom floor, anticipating many tears, but instead, find yourself feeling more and more peaceful as you pray.
A free heart is putting a barrier between you and the effects of sin, because you can. You are allowed to not let the awful things tear you apart emotionally. You gain that privilege when you choose God instead of this world.
A free heart is realizing that perhaps there are some things that you cannot change, and that merely dealing with them doesn’t mean that you are failing, but actually that you are doing the best that you can.
A free heart is strangely still and calm.
Perhaps a better word would be anchored.
“So that by two unchangeable things, in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled for refuge might have strong encouragement to hold fast to the hope set before us. We have this as a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul, a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain, where Jesus has gone as a forerunner on our behalf…”